Late Night Thoughts: Where I’m sitting now

I’ve realized a ton of things in the last couple of months about OCD and I. One of the things I’ve realized is that progress isn’t always a clear straight even incline. Sometimes, there are dips that may seem like your losing progress, but in reality it’s just that you were facing a slightly steeper incline, so it was harder. I say this in many ways looking at the next bump in the road or slightly steeper incline.

One of the exposures I have to work on frankly stinks. I know that if I don’t do it though I’m leaving a thread for my OCD to pull me down by. I know that if I don’t do this I’ll have a ton more intrusive thoughts and be leaving my OCD with some power. I also realize now that I may have left residential treatment to intentionally avoid this exposure, because I knew I needed a little bit of a rest if I was actually going to tackle this.

I also say this at how I’m looking at all I’ve been through in life and how I feel about it. I’m writing this after reading particular emails I wrote to a particular person who really did damage in my life and writing a letter to one of my old therapist to explain how some of the things she said really hurt, but that I don’t hold it against her, that unlike in the past I’m not going to take an all or nothing approach and burn the bridge. Instead, I’m going to be open and see her side of things. In both cases there maybe times when it’s a struggle it’s not easy and feels like I’m falling back into the depths of the scars, but in reality when I face these feelings and learn something I’m not just falling back into the old hateful resentful me, that not even I liked. Instead, I’m actually learning how to cope, letting it go, forgiving, moving on, and having a totally different view on life then I had.

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