Poem from the past

poem

Almost a year and a half ago I wrote this poem. Today all though the memories remain it’s hard for even me to believe that was written by me. I’ve said it before my life isn’t easy still, but things do change.

It was also an especially odd reminder of how much changes and I unpacked  stuff from boxes I haven’t really looked at in 2 plus years. One of the items I came across was a picture for one of my classes and I thought it seem to fit the theme.

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Been Awhile

Hi Everyone,

So, it has been a fairly long time since I have truly written anything on my blog. It has been a crazy few months. Involving moving and starting a new job. Any advocacy for mental health will always be a priority for me though. I’m just going to get right into the nitty gritty and talk about mental health and what has been going on with that in my life.

Personally I’ve been doing well. I have been out of hospitals now for over 6 months and I’m still well. I’m actually enjoying life, which is something this time last year I really doubted would ever happen again. I’ve been passing along things that I’ve learned via twitter and FB, but haven’t really been posting anything to in-depth about myself personally and my battle with OCD. Let me tell you it can be miserable.

When I started my new job it added a ton of extra stress. It was extremely aggravating as I realized how many things I was being overly perfectionistic about. I found myself asking my office manager a ton of questions I already basically knew the answer to just to be certain. I was also had intrusive thoughts. I remember sitting at a machine and thinking I just can’t do this… What if I have this thought? I remember sitting there thinking it was going to be a total repeat of the last job I had before my first hospitalization. I took a depth breath and I remembered the things I’ve learned. I kept working. I have to admit the same concept came with moving and being “on my own” again. There were nights I’d panic. I would think something along the lines of what if I completely fail? What if I can’t do this whole being an “adult” and being independent? I started to realize that even if I fell flat on my face it wasn’t as bad as I’d have thought. I’d pick myself up and try again and take some lessons away from it. Almost three months after the move and starting a new job those thoughts don’t cross my mind. I still have intrusive thoughts and probably daily, but I put on my big girl pants and use the skills I’ve learned. I’ve learned or at least am learning to trust… in so many ways. I still find it a struggle to be open with people though. I’ll give people honest answers for the most part, but I’ll only share the parts I feel like. This is something that seven months ago I didn’t even realize was an issue. My therapist laughed at me one day cause near the end of a session she asked me a specific questions and I answered. Her response to my answer was, “I like how I still have to drag this information out of you.” I’ve realized there is a major difference between openness and honesty.

I do have to say sometimes it’s really hard to know the line of social acceptable sharing though too when your used to being asked the hard hitting questions in therapy,  the things you wish no one else knew about you. It’s also really hard to keep cool when issues have had a major impact on your life. When certain things come up and the wounds are still fresh.

Anyways, so now I’ve talked about a lot of different stuff including some victories, but I think I’d like to say more on that line. One of the biggest victories for me has been being able to go to church and even more importantly actually enjoy it. I know this sounds strange for someone who fits a medical definition in layman’s terms has been said as over religious. The truth is though… people who have OCD often have a hard time being involved in religious practices. People with scrupulosity can be afraid they’ll blurt something out in a service and embarrass themselves and no one would understand. Also, in my case… it can be hard to go when your filled with doubt and yes other intrusive thoughts are still involved. I realized the more I go… the more I learn to trust and the more my OCD takes a hike. know I have talked a ton or at least some about ERP… In addition what has helped me almost just as much is looking at the context of the teachings I believe. Other big victories… hmmm? I guess that was really just the one I wanted to mention.

In other news, I’m still active in participating in NAMI, became a #OCDvocate, and still planning on starting an OCD support group. Mental health will probably always been important to me. I find it is really hard to separate from the title and the life once diagnosed though. I mean in some ways I wish I could just live a life with out any mental health issues. I wish I could have friends who maybe had what I thought was mild depression and I wouldn’t understand, know sort of what there going through, and have those mildly awkward conversations with them. Then I realize I wouldn’t give up the life this all has brought to me over what I went through. I wouldn’t give up the amazing people I’ve met just to be with people who have struggles and choose to put them under a facade.

One last thing I thought I’d write on again a different note…. Tomorrow I’m intending to go and pick up all my social services files. When I requested them I have to admit, I wasn’t nervous at all (Okay I was, but not because of what the files contain). I just hope this will be good for me. I hope that I can take this info and with out seeking revenge per say advocate for change. I know it will be hard to read the files, I’m hoping that I can gain some more understanding as to certain other peoples actions… (Hhhmmm…..Yes, my old social worker). Yes, I’m still dealing. I saw a picture of the nurses that gave me meds that chemically restrained me fighting for nurses rights. It just irritated me. I don’t want them to get hurt. I will also say there are a lot of excellent nurses and I don’t envy their job. Seeing that just reminded me why I fight to advocate for better treatment of anyone suffering from a mental illness.

Alright, End catch up session. Thank you all for reading feel free contact me if you have any comments, questions, or anything of the like.