Once again, it has been awhile since my last post and mostly due to school. As I sit here and write this I barely recognize the person that started this blog. In a few weeks my Bachelors Degree will be conferred on my transcript. Shortly following will be time for the new adventure of grad school. This has brought on a period of reflection and self discovery.
If we look back simply at when I started school (again) almost two years ago I had no idea if I could even handle school. All I knew back then was there was no I was going to look back and have to live with not at least giving it my best effort. Today I look back after everything and know true meaning of being brave is not the absence of fear, but being afraid and doing whatever it maybe anyways. Obviously this is a lesson that I keep finding to be true and to usually pay off over and over again in my life.
To be honest it seems very surreal to go from the person I was (almost catatonic) to the person who openly publicly speaks, who steadily holds down a job, and who is “kicking butt in college”. My therapist mentioned to me recently about accepting that those two can both be realities. I can be someone who was absouletly broken and yet currently be someone who is doing well in recovery is ready and capable to handle the difficult talks and functioning above an average level.
With all this said, I never want anyone reading my blog looking at my life and thinking that my life is easy. There is very little in my life that comes easy. Yes, currently things are going fairly well. However, there are days that my anxiety and depression get the best of me. There are days that I’ll have a few more OCD intrusive thoughts. Today more than ever it is becoming clear that it is for me most likely a life long illness that I will need to manage. This includes utilizing the skills that I mention in my other posts.
Last, I just want to mention how thankful I am to all the people that have been there for me through this all. I thank the therapist who believed in my recovery even when I had no idea it was possible. I thank the therapist who patiently waited for me to gain trust after all I had seen. Who allowed me unapologetically vent and process my life all well non-judgmentally truly listening. I am thankful for the role my family has played as I learned to walk on my own two feet again. Helping me understand the potential of unconditional love. The psychiatrist that helped me break the stereotype and learn to trust them.
Now, I look forward to the next amazing adventure. I look forward to the knowledge I can carry into the future to help others. As always even if it is rare there will updates and information posted in the future. Wishing you all the very best.